by Michael Gillan Maxwell

I turn the corner and come face to face with Ed, who’s stark naked at the kitchen sink. He chugs a glass ohot tap water from a measuring cup and belches loudly.

“Good morning,” he says, as he pisses in the sink. “I drink 6 cups of hot tap water every morning. It keeps me hydrated and then I have a lovely shit.”

He finishes up and shakes off, then swirls water around the basin with his hand.

“It’s the Tall Man’s Secret,” he says. “You should try it.”

“I’ll pass. That may be the perfect height for you, but I’d have to stand up on my tip-toes and flop my balls up over the edge just to reach it. Please tell me you don’t wash dishes in that sink.”

“Of course I do,” he says. “I rinse it out each time. It’s cleaner than the bathroom. Someone always misses the toilet and pees all over the floor. It’s disgusting.”

“Well that someone must be you, because you’ve lived here alone for the last twelve years.”

“Exactly,” he says. “That’s another reason I pee in the sink. Because I can.”

For the next two hours, Ed goes nonchalantly about his business, buck naked the whole time. He putters around the house, writes e mails, waters plants, vacuums the rug and sweeps the porch. I pretend to ignore his nudity. He pauses briefly during a long, rambling monologue about secret underground bases and reptilian extraterrestrials and I seize the opportunity to abruptly change the subject.

“Hey, I need to get some shots of your place,” I say, pulling out my iPhone. “How ‘bout we start with a nude study of you?”

“Whoops, sorry,” he says. “I should have asked if it bothered you. I go au naturale from 6 every evening until noon the following day.”

“A man’s home is his castle, I always say. Where else can a guy let it all hang out?”

“I’m gonna make a breakfast smoothie,” he says. “You want one?”

Ed pulls vegetables out of the fridge and tosses them in the sink to wash them. I’m starting to get queazy. He dumps a full bottle of Guinness into the blender.

“You start with a beer. It’s full of B vitamins. Throw in raw beets, celery, bok choy, spinach and liquid amino acids. This stuff’s an antioxidant bomb. You’ll be levitating, and your shit will be a lovely shade of red.”

“Good to know. I can hardly wait,” I say.

He crams the chopped vegetables into the mix and pushes a button. The blender churns the concoction into a dark red, dank smelling, foamy sludge.

“I need to relieve myself first,” I say. “Not to worry. I have flawless technique and never miss. It’s the Short Man’s Secret.”

http://www.defenestrationmag.net/2013/04/the-suburban-cowboy-catalogue-by-michael-gillan-maxwell/

Thank you Eileen Lavelle for including my piece in your publication!

Camp III Evening on Bow Knot Bend

High Desert Plateau

Camp I Canyon Wall

Base Jumper

Reflection

Self Portrait

Monolith

Take Out At Mineral Bottom

Cotton Wood Tree

I am exhibiting the following pieces in Magic & Light, a show at Leidenfrost Vineyard, during the month of April

Woman on Beach

Along the Quayside

Icarus

Cello Player

Passing the Last Buoy

Schooner

The Sky That Night

March

In the Evening

Two Egrets

Storm Cloud Over Manihawkin Bay

Blue Moon on Seneca

Thank you Josh Goller for including my story!

http://themolotovcocktail.com/volume-3/vol-3-issue-24/snake-eyes/

Bowl of Eggs

The Lunch Lady Cookbook

 Campfire Cookin’ in the Kitchen

Hi there boys and girls! This is The Lunch Laddy comin’ at ya with a new chapter of The Lunch Lady Cookbook. This week’s theme is Campfire Cookin’ in the Kitchen, one man’s harrowing tale of survival and redemption during (a 2 hour) power outage. We had some blustery weather recently. Actually, more like 24 hours of sustained high winds, with gusts up to 50 miles per hour. Not exactly Hurricane Sandy, but enough to blow your hat off and take down trees and power lines. We used to lose power all the time up here in God’s country. In fact, it seemed that the power would go out every time I sneezed or passed more gas than usual. Although things have recently improved in at least one of those areas, it’s still “lights out” in blustery high winds, which brings us to the point of this chapter.

When I awoke to the sound of howling wind and the lights winking out, my first concern was survival. Survival, as in “How the Hell am I gonna make coffee?” Fortunately, my days as a Boy Scout taught me more than how to execute the J stroke with a canoe paddle or how to weave a lanyard. It burned the phrase: “Be Prepared” into the very core of my being. I have an old fashioned hand powered coffee grinder for occasions such as this. While it may look like something from Little House on the Prairie it gets the job done and grinds those beans as good as my fancy schmancy high tech Cuisinart coffee grinder.

Then there’s the problem of heating water. The Lunch Laddy’s primary stove is electric. I know, “Electric stove? Blasphemy!” you say. But you work with what you got. I do have a wood stove that I could hang a cauldron over, but it wasn’t necessary to go totally American Colonial quite yet. A quick rummage through the Lunch Laddy’s well stocked Apocalypse Closet produced a three burner Coleman camp stove and a propane supply that could barbecue enough yak meat to feed Batu Khan’s Golden Horde. After a bit of fumbling around, I managed to set up the stove and singe my hair and eyebrows in the process of lighting one of the burners. With the immediate crisis averted and caffeine now properly stimulating my frontal cortex, I turned my attention to cooking breakfast.

I contemplated my fate as the January winds howled and moaned outside the frost covered windows, and asked myself, what would Jack London do? I imagined him calling: “ A whisk! A whisk! My kingdom for a whisk!” While I didn’t have all the fixin’s that a cook in a Klondike gold mining camp might have had, such as fatback, sourdough biscuits & redeye, I did have ham & potatoes & eggs & cheese. I also had a secret weapon to pull it all together ~ Dave’s Gourmet Insanity Sauce. (TM) More on that in a bit.

Now, I present to you the Lunch Lady Mining Camp Scramble.

Ingredients:

• 3 Large Eggs
• Worcester Sauce (dash)
• Milk (dash)
• 2 Small Red Potatoes (chopped)
• Chopped Onion (1/2 cup)
• Chopped Ham (1/2 cup)
• Shredded Sharp Cheddar (1/2 cup)
• Garlic Powder
• Sea Salt
• Black Pepper
• Dave’s Gourmet Insanity Sauce (TM)
• Olive Oil (2 tablespoons)
• 

Preparation:

1. Heat oil in a cast iron frying pan (Yes, cast iron. After all this is a mining camp recipe)
2. Chop potatoes into small pieces and throw ‘em in the pan. Keep tossing and turning until they start to soften up and turn brown and crispy. This may take a while.
3. Add chopped onions and ham.
4. Combine eggs, worcester sauce, milk and spice in mixing bowl. Whisk vigorously.
5. Toss it all into the pan, scrambling, turning, whisking, tossing and flogging continuously.
6. Add cheese and continue the above contortions until cheese is melted.
7. Serve immediately. Garnish with hot sauce for an extra kick.

Beverage Pairing:  Cowboy coffee (with chewable grounds)

Music Pairing: Oh Susana, Sweet Betsy From Pike, 15 Miles on the Erie Canal, My Darlin’ Clementine

OK ~ so here’s the thing with the hot sauce. Pay attention to the label! You think I’m kidding? I’m not! Dave’s Gourmet Insanity Sauce is a high quality product. While it does come with several caveats on the label, I think it should also come with nuclear launch codes. The label says “The Original Hottest Sauce in the Universe!” I am now a true believer. It is every bit of that and more. It’s described as “A great cooking ingredient for sauces, soups and stews. Also, strips waxed floors and removes driveway grease stains.”  But here’s the IMPORTANT part, so PAY ATTENTION. It says “use one drop at a time.” Did you hear me? I said ONE. DROP. AT. A. TIME!  Don’t make the same mistake I did, and slather it on your eggs, because it is FIRE in the HOLE Baby ~ Goin’ in and comin’ out!

By the way, the power came back on before I finished cooking breakfast. At least now I know that I can survive campfire cookin’ in the kitchen and if Dave’s Gourmet Insanity Sauce doesn’t actually cause the Apocalypse, it will help me survive it.

Until next time, savor life one drop at a time and eat hearty maties!

Rock ‘n RollBot

]]> http://michaelgillanmaxwell.com/2013/02/08/the-lunch-lady-cookbook-campfire-cookin-in-the-kitchen/feed/ 8 michaelgillanmaxwell Bowl of Eggs Coffee Grinder Propane Camp Stove 49erAndMule Mixing Bowl, Whisk & Spices Lunch Lady Mining Camp Scramble Dave's Gourmet Insanity Sauce Rock 'n RollBot http://michaelgillanmaxwell.com/2012/12/20/my-story-elegy-for-the-old-republic-is-up-on-red-fez/ http://michaelgillanmaxwell.com/2012/12/20/my-story-elegy-for-the-old-republic-is-up-on-red-fez/#comments Thu, 20 Dec 2012 17:10:48 +0000 Michael Gillan Maxwell http://michaelgillanmaxwell.com/?p=1143 ]]> My story “Elegy for the Old Republic” is up on Red Fez.

Thank you editor Andy Meisenheimer for including my work with pieces from so many wonderful writers!

http://www.redfez.net/fiction/472