HAPPY HOLIDAYS from our family to yours!
I know I’ve bitched and moaned about good old fashioned Christmas cards being replaced by tedious newsletters with sappy photo bombs of everybody and the family dog wearing goofy reindeer antlers and ugly Christmas sweaters while the kids all flash big toothless smiles. I used to tape the old school cards to the wall, but who the Hell wants to look at those friggin’ mugshots for the entire Holiday season? And then the newsletters! Oy Vey!
BUT who says a man can’t change? If ya can’t lick ‘em, join ‘em, right? (Although I can think of one or two people I wouldn’t mind licking, but I’m drifting off point.) Anyway, I decided to try doing it their way and see how it goes.
First of all, I apologize for this stick figure rendering instead of including an actual family photo. We haven’t actually been on speaking terms for most of the past year and really can’t stand to be in the same room together. In fact, I’m writing this in a Motel 6 while watching a show about making Viking swords, so this little pen and ink drawing will just have to do. It’s a strange and wondrous life!
It’s been a busy year for us. Of course, my release from prison and sex change operation were pretty much the high points of the year for me. There was that alien abduction thing last spring, but I don’t really consider that a high point, since I was missing two months when I woke up. So, as far as I’m concerned, it’s only been a 10 month year for me, but you work with what you’ve got.
Henrietta found Jesus and started a monitor lizard rescue shelter in our living room. Somehow we ended up with a Komodo Dragon named Ralph. It’s one thing to harbor an internationally protected endangered species in our living room, but that fucker is almost 10 feet long and over 150 pounds. I can’t even describe the unbearable stench. And how do you even keep a thing like that fed? Just read an article that places humans somewhere between pigs and anchovies on the global food chain, so that makes me a little nervous. All I can say is that I think we had too many cats anyway.
Almost forgot to mention waking up to find our yard mysteriously filled with garden gnomes. There must be 10,000 of them. I’m sure it’s some kind of close encounter, but I really haven’t quite figured out what to make of it.
After me and Henrietta get back on an even keel, we’re gonna buy an RV, leave all this behind and take our act out on the road. Of course we’re bringing Ralph. We may just show up on your doorstep! Life moves pretty fast and creeps up on ya like a pair of cheap undies!
Anyway, Happy Holidays!
Me & Henrietta & Ralph
December 24, 2013 at 12:12 am
Door’s always open for you and Henrietta but Ralph ain’t comin’ in.
December 24, 2013 at 5:24 pm
Aw c’mon! Ralph and Bijou will get along famously!
December 24, 2013 at 10:44 am
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, you crazy bastard!
December 24, 2013 at 5:25 pm
Back at ya amigo. Serving midnight mass tonite?
December 26, 2013 at 3:15 pm
Hey there – happy holidays to you and eeny,
I loved your holiday letter, and it inspired me to write something I’d love to send you.
Please send your e-mail address or somewhere I can mail it to you.
December 26, 2013 at 9:46 pm
Hi Diane! Thanks so much for reading and commenting. Sending you our contact info via your e mail. Happy Holidays!
January 1, 2014 at 4:29 pm
Same to you about the holidays, from the Where-Did-I-Put-My-Glasses-Cat-Furball Capital of the World. And if you don’t hear from me again, there was a jagged piece of glass in the home fries this morning. (Not from my glasses.)
January 1, 2014 at 6:48 pm
Thanks for commenting Jenny! Happy New Year! If you chew the glass into tiny bits it should be OK! 😉