Lost in The Matrix: Vol. I
Why is everything so friggin’ complicated? It seems like every time I turn around I have to learn some totally intense new technology with its own language just to be able to perform simple operations. The dashboard of my car is like the bridge on the Starship Enterprise. Although a monkey could probably snap good photos with my camera right out of the box, really learning how to use that thing requires a combined Masters Degree in Electrical Engineering, Applied Mathematics and Astro-Geophysics & I’m pretty sure the right combination of keys on my new microwave activates a Star Gate Portal for time travel.
Just the terms and nomenclature alone are enough to make my eyeballs roll backwards in my skull. Brings back memories of Dad trying to figure out his camera every Christmas. “Goddamn it Janet! Where’s the instruction booklet for this thing? And I can’t read this without my glasses, but I can’t find my glasses without my glasses….” And if everything isn’t constantly updated with new firmware, and a new operating system which can’t be downloaded with your current system but must first confirmed by clicking on this link which leads you to a whole new level of online clubs, social networks and akashic records verification systems to which you must belong just to be able to add your new can opener to your authorized list of wireless clients…and what the fuck was my password and pin for that????
I think it’s just that everything is constantly changing which leaves us in a state of continuous adaptation, which isn’t bad , it’s just evolution, which is a good thing. However, there are times when I just want to go from Point A to Point B without having to register online, fill out an exit survey, negotiate an extended warranty purchase, consult a glossary of nomenclature and symbols, use a proprietary allen wrench and fijiwinkle & jump through hoops navigating through 72 layers of electronic menus. And please don’t get me started about copy machines or talking to robots on the telephone.
This call may be monitored for quality control and data mining purposes, unless, of course, you really need help. Please have your original Social Security card, birth certificate, 3rd grade report card, 2 expired passports & a notarized note from your Mom ready as proof of your identification, but do not proceed before reading and agreeing to our 82 pages of terms and conditions before authorizing……. To return to the Main Menu Press 1, To hear these options again Press 2, To initiate Self-Destruct Sequence Press 3, To prove to yourself that you’re not actually in The Matrix or a character in a Samuel Beckett play Press 4, Para Espanol just yell: “Spanish!”
Is there an App for that?
Lunch Lady Chicken Cacciatore
Hey there everyone! This is Michael Gillan Maxwell, the Lunch Laddy coming to you from La Trattoria della Lunch Lady to bring you a sizzling new recipe from The Lunch Lady Cookbook. Today’s recipe is a spin-off from a venerable Italian country cooking classic ~ Chicken Cacciatore. Original cacciatore recipes descended from a hunter’s stew made from fresh game and fresh seasonal herbs and veggies. Rabbit, wild onion, carrots, tomatoes and herbs were often the foundation for this dish, which was cooked over an open fire. Fire roasted wild rabbit is not exactly a staple in most American public school cafeterias these days, but I think you will like this variation on that theme, and you won’t have to go traipsing through the under brush like Elmer Fudd chasing “that silly wabbit.” It’s also mindlessly simple. Big plus point.
So ~ without further adieu ~ I present to you:
Lunch Lady Chicken Cacciatore
Ingredients
6 Boneless, Skinless Chicken Thighs
1 16 oz. Can Diced Tomatoes with Basil, Garlic and Oregano
1 Spanish Onion – Sliced
2 Fresh Plum Tomatoes – Diced
1 Fresh Red Pepper
Parmesan Cheese
1 or 2 Cloves Fresh Garlic – Minced
Basil ~ Fresh (If you got it) otherwise Freeze-dried will have to do, I suppose)
Garlic Powder
Freshly Ground Sea Salt
Freshly Ground Black Pepper ~ although one of my close friends is allergic
~ you know who you are ~ so I won’t be using black pepper if you are amongst my guests!
Preparation
- Slice, dice, mince, shred, tear, bend, spindle and mutilate fresh veggies, herbs and cheese.
- Drain liquid from canned tomatoes into casserole dish.
- Lay chicken breasts in there all nice and cozy. Squeeze ‘em in there, snug as a bug in a rug.
- Season liberally. Don’t mince words and don’t be shy with the minced garlic. How much is too much? There’s no such thing as too much. It should be enough to repel an attack by a vampire. (Or a blind date that’s going badly)
- Lay in the sliced and diced onion and tomatoes.
- Add the canned diced tomatoes, spread evenly.
- If you’re using fresh basil, tear and sprinkle over mixture.
- Top with freshly shredded parmesan cheese.
- Cover and bake at 350 for 60 minutes. Let rest for 10 minutes.
- Serve over pasta or rice. I used Tri-colored fusilli for it’s festive appearance.
-
Dracula Repulsed By Garlic
Music Pairing
Guitar freak that I am, the muse dictated that I create a “John Fahey” Pandora Station for this occasion. John Fahey is an acoustic guitar god. He is kind of the grand daddy of acoustic guitar finger picking. The station features lush and pristine 6 and 12 string acoustic guitar solo playing from such masters as Leo Kottke, Norman Blake, Martin Simpson, Bert Jancsh and many others. There’s even some chicken pickin’ Tele playing from the late, great Roy Buchanan.
Beverage Pairing
Cosme Palacio y Hermanos Rioja Reserva
To tell you the truth, I haven’t actually tasted this yet, but I have two bottles that are calling my name. It got a monster rating from Wine spectator, it’s very affordable, and looks and sounds totally munch-able. A good Spanish Rioja is hard to beat. My Spanish friends tell me you can drink a good Rioja all day long. Sounds like that makes for an early night though. It goes down smooth and has an earthy quality, like a good French Rhone. As a friend of mine once said: “ A good Rhone should taste like dirt!” If that’s not a good selling point, I don’t know what is!
In closing, all that’s left to be said is Mangia! Mangia! Mangia!
Flash Fiction Fridays
Hi there boys and girls! This is Michael Gillan Maxwell bringing you another book report from the Alice B. Toklas Book Journal. Writer, author, teacher and radio personality, Robert Vaughan has delivered the goods with his sparkling debut anthology: Flash Fiction Fridays. Robert Vaughan is the host of the innovative monthly radio show Flash Fiction Fridays, which airs on Milwaukee Public Radio’s WUWM Lake Effect and has put together a truly delightful anthology of 34 stories from local and international authors whose work appeared on its namesake radio show each month during 2011.
I am a Milwaukee expatriate, born and raised there, now living in exile in upstate New York. However, I’m still a hardcore fan of most anything that comes out of Wisconsin, except for the current governor. So soon as I heard that Robert Vaughan had put together this collection of short fiction I ordered it immediately, not only to support the home town team, but also because I knew it would be great. A prolific writer and accomplished author in his own right, Robert Vaughan is on his way to being one of the preeminent authors of flash fiction today. In this anthology, he has assembled a collection of some of the best flash fiction written by the rising stars working within the context of this genre.
Don’t let the label “flash fiction” fool you into thinking that these pieces are like light snacks without substance. Brevity is power. This is the undiluted stuff. Each piece is a little package of dynamite, full of vivid imagery, emotion and humanity. Flash Fiction Fridays is available on Lulu.com and Amazon.com. The physical book is a slick and professional, aesthetically pleasing, high quality volume and it was on my doorstep within three business days. If you want to read some of the freshest contemporary flash, this is a must-have book for your library. It will leave you wanting more. I can only hope that Robert Vaughan is already working on this year’s collection because I’m already looking forward to Flash Fiction Fridays: Volume II, and I think that you will too!
Rock Stream Rockin’ Tostadas
Greetings fellow closet epicureans, back yard barb-b-que baristas and gustatory guerillas! This is Michael Gillan Maxwell, the Lunch Laddy, bringing you a new lip-smackin’, finger-ickin’, chicken-pickin’ dish from the Lunch Lady Cookbook. Today’s recipe is for titillating, toastalicious Rock Stream Rockin’ Tostadas. This delicious dish is nutritious, mindlessly simple and can be concocted as everything from virginal vegan to vicious vegetarian to carnivorous carnival, depending on guess who’s coming to dinner. It can also easily be proportionally transformed into a feast big enough to feed Coxey’s Army or reduced to a romantic, candle-lit dinner for two, after which, you might just get lucky, providing that Mercury is not in retrograde and that you don’t hit the refried beans too hard. But no matter how you choose to slice and dice it- it’s good and good for you. And so – without further adieu ~ I present to you:
Rock Stream Rockin’ Tostadas
You will need the following ingredients to serve a party of four:
The Foundation
8 Tostada Tortillas (Purists will insist on100% whole kernel corn)
2 Cans Vegetarian Refried Beans (Frijoles Refritos)
16 oz. Lean Ground Turkey
Seasonings
Salt
Pepper
Garlic Powder
Red Pepper Flakes
OR
1 Package Taco Seasoning
Garnishes
1-2 Tomatoes – Diced
1 Cup Green and Red Onion – Diced
1 Cup Red Pepper – Diced
1/2 Cup Black Olives -Sliced
1 Avocado – Sliced or Diced
2 Cups – Chopped Lettuce
2 Cups – Cheddar Cheese – Shredded
1 Cup – Sour Cream
2 Cups – Black Bean and Corn Salsa (Muy caliente por favor!)
Preparation
Cook the ground turkey in a pan over low heat with a dash of olive oil. Drain fat.
Season as desired.
Transfer refritos to a microwave container and nuke for a couple of minutes.
Lay the tortillas out on a couple of lightly greased baking dishes. (Recommend butter instead of axle grease)
Spread a healthy dollop of refritos on each of the tortillas.
Add a healthy dollop of ground turkey and press into the refritos.
Cover with shredded cheese.
Pop into the oven – preheated to 350 degrees – for 15 minutes.
Arrange garnishes buffet style in assembly line fashion.
Tell your dinner guests to grab a plate and get their asses into the kitchen.
Assemble as desired.
Serve with Rock Stream Red Beans and Rice. (Recipe 1 ~ Lunch Lady Cookbook)
Beverage Pairing
One Growler (.5 US Gallons) – Two Goats Brewing IPA
This nectar of the Gods is brewed with local hops. It’s out of this world, and flows down easy, but be careful, because it packs a surprising wallop and can sneak up on you. You’ll have to come to Seneca Lake to get this. Oh quit whining about the distance. My brother drove all the way from Wisconsin and made it in 12 hours. We had a pint with three travelers who had come all the way across the pond from London. If they can do it, then so can you, for God’s sakes!
Music Pairing
Dial in a “Steve Earle” station on Pandora Radio. This will provide you with a stream of Americana singer/songwriter music from Steve Earle, Townes Van Zandt, Lucinda Williams, Robert Earl Keene, Gillian Welch, James McMurtry, John Hiatt, Lori Mckenna, Emmy Lou Harris, The Be Good Tanyas, Guy Clark, Todd Snider and a whole shitload of guitars, mandolins, banjos, fiddles and enough ringing, chiming steel guitars to keep you dancing and singing along for hours.
Follow Up Activity~ Playing Ukeleles ‘Till Dawn.
Adjourn to the music room and play ukeleles ‘till dawn. Switch to whatever other substances help to move the evening along. Viewer discretion is advised.
The Lunch Lady Cookbook
Real Men Eat Quiche
Hey everyone! This is Michael Gillan Maxwell, the Lunch Laddy, bringing you another recipe from the Lunch Lady Cookbook. Today we’re whippin’ up a wicked batch of Lunch Lady Quiche.
I must admit that I’ve never actually seen a real lunch lady serve quiche in a school cafeteria. Nevertheless, I think it deserves its place in the pantheon of all-time Lunch Lady comfort foods, right up there with Lunch Lady Mac&Cheese, Lunch Lady Meatloaf and Lunch Lady Sloppy Joe’s. Quiche got kind of a bad rap in Bruce Feirstein’s ironic and humorous send up of this time-honored tart with roots dating back to the Middle Ages. (See – “Real Men Don’t Eat Quiche, by American Bruce Feirstein, is a bestselling tongue-in-cheek book satirizing stereotypes of masculinity, published in 1982 (ISBN 0-671-44831-5). “ (Wikipedia)
However, as someone who is comfortable in his own skin and secure in his identity, the Lunch Laddy is here to tell you that real men DO eat quiche. It’s mindlessly simple to make and could easily be utilized as the ultimate back-of-the-refrigerator utility player combo in which all bets are off and anything goes, as long as it’s contained in a crust and baked in a mixture of eggs. However, let’s not go hog wild here. Lunch Lady Quiche is a humble and even (gasp!) healthy concoction, because even a moral reprobate like the Lunch Laddy has standards. “I have my standards. They’re low, but I have them.” Bette Midler.
And so, without further adieu, I present to you Lunch Lady Quiche.
Lunch Lady Quiche
Basic Ingredients:
1 Dozen Organic, Cage Free Jumbo Brown Eggs
2 cups shredded double cheddar
2 Dashes Skim Milk
2 Healthy dollops Worcester Sauce
1 Tablespoon Olive Oil (Extra VIRGIN, of course)
Sea Salt, Black Pepper, Garlic Powder, Paprika
4 Scallions
1 Cup Chopped Portabella mushrooms (Baby Bellas are easier)
1 Cup Chopped Red Pepper
8 Oz. Package Chopped Broccoli
8 Oz. Package Chopped Spinach
2 Frozen deep Dish Pie Crusts ( A REAL man would learn to make his own pie crusts)
Wash and chop scallions, mushrooms and pepper – sauté lightly in olive oil
Put 6 eggs each in two separate mixing bowls, add Worcester Sauce, milk, salt, pepper, garlic powder – whisk vigorously
Add chopped broccoli to one bowl
Add chopped spinach to the other
Add 1/2 cup cheddar to each
Add sautéed veggie mix to both
Mix thoroughly
Pour ingredients into separate pie crusts
Sprinkle 1/2 cup cheddar over top of both quiches
Top with paprika
Bake in preheated 350 degree oven for 1 hour
Let stand for 15 minutes before serving
Obviously there are as many variations as you can imagine with different combinations of veggies, cheeses, meats, or, it should go without saying, a solid foundation of bacon.
Musical Pairing: Waylon Jennings Honkytonk Heroes
Wine Pairing: Gnarly Head Old Vine Zin
Bon appetite!
Until next time……..
“Do you realize if it weren’t for Edison we’d be watching TV by candlelight? Al Boliska”
He strikes a heroic pose
his bicorne hat cocked at a jaunty angle
he gazes out across the sodden fields of Waterloo
stands in that iconic hand-in-waistcoat gesture
Napoleon’s hand cradles his iPod Touch
dials in the 1812 Overture
on the Classic Works of Russian Composers play list
The streets of Vienna are slick with new fallen snow
he works late into the night
hunched over a desk in the mahogany paneled study
illuminated by soft light from a MacBook Pro laptop
Dr. Freud’s face is a mask of bewilderment
as he Googles the meaning of the idiom:
“Yo Mama!”
The ship’s pilot peers through the astrolabe
sailors cluster together, speak in hushed tones
about sea serpents & sailing off the edge of the earth
Cristoforo Columbo emerges from his cabin
announces the East Indies will have to wait
his search on Mapquest has revealed
they are headed for someplace called The Bahamas
He picks up his fiddle
plays a tune that he can’t get out of his head
he’s just been told there’s trouble at Circus Maximus
“No reason to get get my toga in a twist” he thinks
“It’s only a little fire. How bad could it possibly be?”
Distracted, Nero sets the fiddle down & goes into the other room
to update his Facebook status.
How the tides of history might have turned
had Genghis Khan’s relentless advance
across the steppes been broadcast
on his twitterfeed & The Declaration of Independence
written on GoogleDocs
the Pony Express ~ going nowhere fast
had homesteading rights included
unlimited text messaging
The Lunch Lady Cookbook
Rock Stream Slam Sausages
Hey everyone! How ya’ doin’? This is The Lunch Laddy, Michael Maxwell, coming to you with another recipe for The Lunch Lady Cookbook. Since we’re in the middle of what Mother Jones Magazine calls “a mutant heatwave shattering all records” and that ain’t funny for all kinds of reasons, I thought I’d at least honor this premature blast of solar radiation with some traditional warm weather fare. The Lunch Lady Cookbook is proud to present to you: “Rock Stream Slam Sausages.” You’ll need the following ingredients:
1 pound fresh Italian Sausages (preferably HOT)
1 Sweet Vidalia Onion
1 Red Pepper
Fresh Sesame Rolls
1 Six Pack Pork Slap Pale Ale (TM Pork Slap Pale Ale)
Dinosaur Bar-B-Que Wango Tango Habenero Hot Barb-B-Que Sauce (TM Dinosaur Barb-B-Q)
The staff at The Lunch Lady Cookbook is always on my case and all up in my grill to put a new spin on things, so I’m delivering this recipe in the form of a slam poem. The recipe (poem) should be read with a funky, up tempo bass and drum track. As always, this should be played by live musicians, if at all possible. However, if this is not practical, then may I suggest sampling James Brown’s Funky Drummer where he instructed drummer Clyde Stubblefield as follows: “You don’t have to do no soloing, brother, just keep what you got… Don’t turn it loose, ’cause it’s a mother.” Remember the immortal words of Mr. James Brown: “A man got his hair and teeth, he got it all!”
Cue the music and hit it!
Rock Stream Slam Sausages
“This is how we do it,” he said,
pouring olive oil in a pan and turning the burner up high
“Heat that oil up, and crank the music loud
but don’t let ‘er get too hot or she’ll smoke!
At least, that’s what SHE said
Meanwhile, slice some peppers up,
if you got ‘em. sweet onions, if you want ‘em,
then put ‘em in the pan when it’s good and hot,
Once they start fryin’, lay them sausages right down in there
Take care to turn ‘em, cuz you don’t wanna burn ‘em
Get some rosemary, basil and chives from the garden,
cut ‘em up and pile ‘em in, then put a lid on it
When the onions start to go brown and clear,
they’re carmelizin’, so you crack a beer,
whatever kind ya got, before she gets too hot,
pour a little in the pan, then drink the rest
Lower the heat and cover it quick. Let it all stew for a little bit,
‘till them sausages turn plump and pink
Take ‘em off the stove and set ‘em aside.
You can let ’em sit like that, while you go outside
take the dogs for a walk, see a man ‘bout a dog … whatever
Fire up the grill and get it smokin’ hot,
then you drop them sausages right on in there,
cover ‘em up and turn the flame down low, if you’re cookin’ with gas,
otherwise you gotta let it go, ‘til ya get them coals to glow
Be sure to cook ‘em slow
That’s when you start paintin’ on the barbeque sauce
Don’t be shy about it, slather it on nice and thick
Keep ‘em turnin’, cuz you don’t wanna burn ‘em
Down another cold one, take it easy and take your time,
maybe even have another one, cuz when that’s done,
they’re done, then you take ‘em off the grill
Before ya put it to the test, ya gotta let it rest
That’s the secret to grillin’ good meat
That meat been workin’ hard, my brother,
ya gotta let it rest.”
Slather with Wango Tango Sauce while they’re on the grill.
Serve on sliced rolls that have been grilled until gently toasted.
Increase the heat with hot horseradish mustard.
Beer Pairing: Porkslap Pale Ale
Music Pairing: “Gimme Back My Wig” Hound Dog Taylor
“Muddy Waters” The Chess Box
Your Own Back Yard - Michael Gillan Maxwell 