If I am elected King, money shall grow on trees
and the on the bodies of beasts of the forest.
If I am appointed Chancellor, I shall institute a snooze button that stops time
until you’re good and ready to get up.
If I ascend to Kaiser, I shall decree Wednesday a day off with pay,
to recover from Monday and Tuesday and get ready for Thursday and Friday.
If I am elected King, every Monday will be the day before a 4-day holiday.
If I become Heap Big Boss of the Applesauce, gonna be some changes made!
If I am hired as Chief Event Coordinator, there will always be Free Beer Tomorrow!
If I am appointed as Dean of Hedonistic Studies, a Task Force will be formed to
investigate reports that Mondays are being inappropriately used for work.
If I am elected to the Board of Bacchanalia, we will drink like Vikings until dawn
and still wake up fresh as daisies.
If I am appointed Commissioner of Physical Existence, I will roll out technology
that makes it possible to DVR life
so you can rewind for do-overs
and fast-forward through the tedious parts.
If I ascend to Master of Time, Space and Dimension, you will be able
to adjust gravity to your own personal preference.
If I become Queen of the Roller Derby, I get an all-time automatic head start
all the way to the first turn.
If I am elected King, unicorns will run wild
on their own island off the coast of Virginia.
If I am chosen as All-Time Captain of Sandlot Baseball Games,
I get automatic first and last pick.
If I am appointed Head Honcho, I will amend Roberts Rules of Order to allow
the use of high volume air horns and Professional Wrestling takedowns at all meetings.
If I rise to the rank of Commodore, everyone will get a free sailboat.
If I am chosen as Miss America, I will bring an end to world hunger
and negotiate world peace.
If I am elected King, daily naps will be the law of the land,
with overtime pay for dreaming.
So it be written ….
so it be done…..